Saturday, January 15, 2011
How Can This Not Make You Want to Buy Jack Links?
Seriously, I don't even like jerky enough to waste my money on it , but these commercials make my day every time I see one, especially a new one. Fuckin' Sasquatch, you dumb bastard. Just beating the shit out of all the haters out there. Hilarious. Keep up the good work Bro.
Vince Wilfork Taking us Out of the Shitter and Into the Divisional Round of the Playoffs
Why is Vince leading the way? Because he and the New England Patriots are going to take a giant shit on the Jets. I don't even like Wilfork, he's an asshole on the field, but you gotta give credit where credit is due. It ain't no walk in the park for a 325 pounder to take a shit in a porta-potty while fully padded. Fuck Fireman Ed, Rex "Feet" Ryan, and Antonio Cromartie with all 47 of his kids. Your welcome Handy House for the free publicity. Enjoy the longest fucking blog post of all time, here's the picks...
Saturday, January 15
Vs. 
Baltimore Ravens Pittsburgh Steelers
If it weren't for the Jets-Patriots hype, this game would absolutely be getting more attention than it is. The line has the Ravens getting 3 points on the road. These inner-division rivals will be meeting each other for the third time after splitting the regular season series in two tight, low-scoring games.
Rumor has it that Ray Rice is has been ill all of Friday, spending more time vomiting than studying. When you're facing a defense as strong as the Steelers, you'll need all the time you can get to study them. For this reason Ray Rice is the determining factor of the game. Don't get me wrong, Flacco has been a good solid quarterback all year, but good doesn't cut it versus the Steelers defense, especially without your star running back.
I have a feeling Rice will be over the sickness by Saturday morning, but that missed study time is key. You can probably say that the Steelers D and Ravens revitalized defense cancel each other out. But, Joe Flacco and an unprepared Ray Rice don't matchup favorably against Big Ben Rapelisberger and a fully prepared Rashard Mendenhall. The Black & Yellow take this one and cover the spread at home. Steelers win 21-13.
Vs. 
Green Bay Packers Atlanta Falcons
Atlanta is favored by 3 in this game. All the talk about this game has been Aaron Rodgers against Matt Ryan, and James Starks of UB. It's more than that. Honestly all of this year I haven't given two shits about whats going on in the NFC because when it's all said and done, the champ will be from the AFC.
However, that won't keep me from making my pick. I give Aaron Rodgers a slight edge on Matt Ryan as an overall quarterback. Rodgers is packin' heat with weapons like Greg Jennings, old man Donald Driver, and James Starks. Matty Ice has Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez, and Michael Turner. Like the first game Saturday, the running back is the difference maker. Congratulations to James Starks on an outstanding NFL playoff game, but you are unproven and certainly not Michael Turner. The Burner's ability to run through the Packer's solid defense will be the deciding factor in whether the Falcons can squeeze past the Cheeseheads.
Based on the Falcons numbers at home (20-2), you've gotta stick with them as the pick to win in the dome. But with the Cheeseheads having a slightly better quarterback, and a much better star-studded defense, it'll be extremely close. If the Falcons win, it will be by less than 3, but they can very easy lose. Mason Crosby kicking in a dome on the last drive is pretty attractive if you're a Packer fan. Either the Falcons win 21-20, or the Pack take their talents to the NFC Championship game with a 23-21 win.
Sunday, January 16
Vs. 
Seattle Seahawks Chicago Bears
Good Fucking story. Great story. ESPN loved talking about the team that shouldn't have been in the playoffs winning their playoff game against the defending champion New Orleans Saints last week. The win failed to install any confidence in critics though, as the Seahawks are 10 point underdogs this week at Chicago.
Way back in week 6, the Seahawks edged out a victory over the Bears in Chicago 23-20. Of course the weather in mid-October is a lot more attractive than it is mid-January, when it counts. Hasselbeck didn't thrown 4 touchdowns in 20 degree weather on the road. Let's face it, even though Marshawn Lynch's run was spectacular, Seattle won last week because of Matt Hasselbeck throwing 4 touchdowns at home against a sub-par Saints defense. This season Hasselbeck didn't throw for more than 2 touchdowns in any games, and threw 2 touchdowns in only 3 games in the regular season. Basically there's no way that Hasselbeck repeats his 4 touchdown performance against one of the best defenses in the league. Realistically I'd say he has a better chance of throwing more interceptions than touchdowns, than throwing 2 or more touchdowns.
The Bears D and Saints defense are night and day. The rested Bears have been waiting for two weeks to step back on the field for some live game action, and now the NFC's 2 seed has their chance at redemption from the regular season. Everything's working against the 'Hawks; no 12th man, inclimate weather, and poor defense versus a great defense. Cutler's inconsistency at times makes him look like he should be working at a gas station, other times he's playing like a Pro Bowl starter, but his inconsistency won't cost the Bears the game, it will only keep it close, less than 10 points. Bears win 27-20 but fail to cover the spread.
Vs. 
New York Jets New England Patriots
The Jets have definitely caught the Pats' attention judging by Wes Welker's press conference that sticks the foot back in Rex Ryan's mouth (I had to) in the more suttle fashion possible. The guy seriously deserves an award for the acting, I would've been cracking up all over the podium. Notice that the flamboyant Jets Coach hasn't said a word since Welker put his "best foot forward" at his press conference.
The Vegas line has the Jets as a 9 point underdog. Yes, The Patriots did completely obliterate them the last time they took the field, but that isn't something that happens more than once in one season, especially between two playoff teams. Keep in mind that this will be the third meeting between the two teams just this year, so they know each other's personnel and packages well. Like last week, I expect Rex to implement a run-happy game plan to keep Tom Brady off the field as much as possible, if it turns into a high scoring affair, New York has no chance.
Belichick is one of the best NFL coaches of all time, Rex Ryan hasn't won or proved shit besides the fact that he loves feet. Although the Jets offense is much is all around more efficient than last year, it doesn't match an offense ran by Tom Brady. The Jets have the better defense of the two teams, but Belichick, being a defensive minded coach, won't let his players slouch in a game of this importance. The New England Patriots will earn the win and advance to the AFC Championship game, barely covering the spread. The Darkside prevails, Pats win 24-14.
Don't blame me if you lose your fuckin' bets, I'm probably wrong as much as you are. Good luck this weekend Assholes.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Bamboozle 2011? I'm In.
Is it just me, or does this look like the illest shit to do this spring if don't feel like spending 2 grand to go to Cancun? Lil Wayne, Motley Crue, Wiz Khalifa, Bruno Mars, Sam Adams, Nicki Minaj, Waka Flocka Flame, Chiddy Bang, Dashboard Confessional are some of the many current locks to perform, and the list keeps fuckin' growing. Upstate, we have Grassroots, I understand how much fun people have at it, how many drugs that are ready to be used there. But it can run you up to $110 if you buy at the gate, I've never been so I can't speak for how awesome it might be. But I know $109 to go to Bamboozle 2011, and bringing my own drugs of choice sure beats the hell out of the G-Roots "talent". I'm psyched, and ready to roll. In 2013 we're all going to be dead anyway, fuck it. Is anyone else ready to get wasted to Weezy performing "Wasted" live? Tickets on sale now.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Crash and Fuckin' Burn
So I'm getting a good pump on at the gym, that's what I'm there to do. I've been focused on it throughout break, and have gone every day for the past 2 weeks even though I have to drive 20 minutes to get to the gym. Things change when there's a CaveBro's dream babe is working out at the same time he is.
It was still a decent lift, but the multiple occurrences of eye fucking was pretty distracting. Some guys will say, "oh there's more man, don't worry", guys like my cousin who posted a threesome mid-way through his first semester at college and acted like it was nothing. Maybe there is more for him, whether 1 or 2 at a time, but for me, just an average Bro, not necessarily good or bad looking, shit like this doesn't ever happen.
Across the gym, while next to each other, and even when we're leaving at the same time, silence. An infinite amount of openings. What do I do? Nothing, I close everyone of those openings and shit down it's throat. She even drove the same car as me and I didn't give my plane the chance to take off before it crashed and burned. Pathetic. I told my friend the morning of New Year's day, when I was still hammered, that this year was about me "not giving a fuck". I'm not living up to the hype. So now I ask myself, where the fuck did all the confidence go? I don't know.
I do know that all that pussy shit is done. It's time to move forward, and move forward strong. The future begins on this day when the usually meaningless zodiac signs finally mean something to me. It's time to move forward not as a Gemini, but a Taurus, a raging fucking bull. It's go time.
Been Spending Most Our Lives Living in a Gangsta's Paradise
If this doesn't convince you to get off your ass to go to the movies, or at least take the time to download a pirated version, I don't know what will. I'm fuckin' psyched! Seriously, if this shit hit theatres 50 years ago, people's minds would explode. Awesome song, awesome actor (Seth Rogen), and somin' hot Cameron Diaz. In theatres Friday. Do it to it Bros.
Father of the Year
I wish my dad let me play with guns. This poor guy had one too many at an Iraqi wedding. As you saw in the video he started acting all tough and showing off his piece. I guess his kid was a little jealous he didn't have an toy of his own. Did you see how far that baby flew back after the gun went off!? Unfortunately, because of this gentleman's ignorance, he lost his life and he left his kid without a pops. This should be a warning to every Bro who wants to buy a gun. Be careful you idiots!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Bro Tunes: Demps Edition
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