Looks Like You've Got a Little Shrimp in Your Pants

MSN - DOVER, Pa. - A central Pennsylvania man faces robbery and assault charges after he allegedly stuffed a bag of frozen shrimp down his pants and attacked a grocery store security guard.

Northern York County Regional Police say 37-year-old Brian McDaniel was spotted hiding the shrimp in his pants and struck a security guard who tried to stop him inside a grocery store Thursday in Dover Township. The guard sustained minor injuries.

McDaniel was caught in the store's parking lot by the security guard and a bystander. He is being held on $10,000 bail.  It was not immediately clear if McDaniel had an attorney.

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Word.  So I guess this is just a typical day in central Pennsylvania right?  No big deal, just throwing some cold crustaceans in my crotch so I can eat them later, can't think of anything better to do in PA.  It goes to show that you can't run too far with a frostbit shrimp, and maybe a better planned prawn stealing scheme would be a good idea next time.  Leave frozen foods out of pants, check.

The Cannibus Catapult

Washington Post - Drug smugglers are using an ancient invention as a new way to move marijuana across the border from Mexico to Arizona. The discovery of two "drug catapults" in the Mexican state of Sonora marks the latest twist in the cat-and-mouse game traffickers play with authorities.


U.S. National Guard troops operating a remote surveillance system at the Naco Border Patrol Station say they observed several people preparing a catapult and launching packages over the fence late last week.

A Mexican army officer says the 3-yard (3-meter) tall catapult was found about 20 yards (20 meters) from the U.S. border on a flatbed towed by a sports utility vehicle. The officer says the catapult was capable of launching 4.4 pounds (2 kilograms) of marijuana at a time. He says soldiers seized 35 pounds (16 kilograms) of pot, the vehicle and the catapult.
The smugglers left before they could be captured. The surveillance video of them using the catapult was released Wednesday.

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Hey, whatever works, Bro.  Simplicity, reliability, the catapult.  However, this particular catapult was not alone.  Officials found a number of other pot catapults in the area since this article was published, who knows how much weed they were tossing, and for how long?  Whatever, welcome to the medieval ages Mexico.

Thanks to Kyle for the tip on the story.

Hold the Pubes

As if New Jersey's Rep isn't bad enough already. A cook from NJ was caught and sentenced to 15 days in jail and 2 years on probation after putting his chest and pubic hair into a customer's sandwich. Wait it gets better, the customer was a cop. He felt that he needed to get back at the cop for locking him up a few months earlier.

On October 12th, the cook pleaded guilty to aggravated assault on a police officer. So when he recognized one of the two cops that came into his restaurant, the cook quickly prepared a special meal for one of New Jersey's finest. A Pubic Sandwich.

Stories like these just make you wonder sometimes what people are thinking. These cops were just trying to have a nice lunch, but instead got a little more than what they ordered. Next time you order a sandwich from there, don't forget to tell the waiter to hold the pubes, Okay Bro?!

Are You Kidding Me Bro?

Huffington Post - Authorities have launched an animal cruelty investigation after a dog was discovered encased inside a block of ice on a British Columbia man's front lawn.The dead dog was discovered by the homeowner on Jan. 15, said Marcie Moriarty, a spokeswoman from the British Columbia animal protection society, adding that the man did not know the dog or how the block of ice arrived on his property.

"It's a bizarre and very upsetting case," Moriarty said Wednesday. "Inside the block of ice, which looks to have been made from a large rubber bin, was the frozen corpse of a medium-sized black dog."

Investigators are trying to determine the cause of death.

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Come on world.  Unless this was some crazy pitbull trained by Mike Vick, or a any cat, what's the point?  I've seen dog statues on lawns before, some Bro has one on his lawn in the town next to me.  It lasts longer, and won't rot in the summer.  So there really isn't a perk to having a frozen dog lawn ornament.  I think it would be pretty awesome if the dog woke up like Austin Powers and was perfectly fine, but that's probably not going to happen...  I guess if this Moriarty Bro is in the mob it kind of makes sense.  Instead of a horses head in the bed, its his dog frozen solid in his front yard?  The final sentence in the report is pretty good, "Investigators are trying to determine the cause of death".  He's not frozen in a giant block of ice or anything...

Hello, Newman!

KBIO2 - BELFAIR, Wash. -- He was hired to deliver the mail, but instead he hoarded, dumped and burned them.
Prosecutors said Richard Farrell's "extreme laziness" caused him to hoard thousands of pieces of mail, then set them ablaze or throw them out.Farrell pleaded guilty to delay or destruction of mail, and was sentenced Wednesday to three years on probation and 120 hours of community service.

Farrell, 45, began working for the U.S. Postal Service in 1991 as a contract mail delivery driver.

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... he was also caught in the middle of a get-rich scheme with his good friend Kramer,driving a USPS truck full of cans to Michigan to get 10 cents instead of only 5 cents per can/bottle in New York.

Fuck Cats... Again

CNN - As the death toll from devastating flooding in Brazil continues to rise, a single picture drives home the sense of loss.Leao, a medium-sized brown mutt, lies next to the grave of her owner, Cristina Maria Cesario Santana, who died in the catastrophic landslides caused by heavy rain. This AFP/Getty picture was taken on Saturday, the second consecutive day that the dog refused to leave the woman's grave at the cemetery in Teresopolis, near Rio de Janiero.
Brazilians are bracing for more rain, fearing more landslides after waves of muddy water swallowed towns in the country's worst flood disaster on record.
At least 655 deaths were reported in a mountainous region of Rio de Janeiro state, northeast of the city of Rio.

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First of all I'm kinda pissed Barstool got to this before me since I was awake at 5 am this morning.  But this just goes to show exactly what I always preach, fuck cats.  An owner's dog will always be there to stand by their side, dead or alive.  Cats do shit like cough up hairballs and stab you with their claws, Dogs lay down by their owner's grave for two straight days, and counting.  And you know what, Stool hit the nail right on the head, when they said "this is why I like dogs more than people", loyalty bitches.  That's what it's all about Bros.  When you get a dog that will keep motherfuckers off you like mine, you'll know what I mean.  Hounds for life.

Snorting Death?



MSN — Miami — Burglars snorted the cremated remains of a man and two dogs in the mistaken belief that they had stolen illegal drugs, Florida sheriff's deputies said Wednesday.
               The ashes were taken from a woman's home in the central Florida town of Silver Springs Shores on Dec. 15. The thieves took an urn containing the ashes of her father and another container with the ashes of her two Great Danes, along with electronic equipment and jewelry, the Marion County Sheriff's Office said.
               Investigators learned what happened to the ashes after they arrested five teens in connection with another burglary attempt at a nearby home last week.
               "The suspects mistook the ashes for either cocaine or heroin. It was soon discovered that the suspects snorted some of the ashes believing they were snorting cocaine," the sheriff's report said.
               Once they realized their error, the suspects discussed returning the remaining ashes but threw them in a lake instead because they thought their fingerprints were on the containers, sheriff's spokesman Judge Cochran said.
               Police divers were trying to recover the ashes. The suspects were jailed on numerous charges of burglary and other crimes.

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Burglars at their best.  How fucked up did these dudes get off this?  Is there a difference in quality between human ashes and Great Dane ashes?  Amateurs... you've gotta taste it first to make sure.  Wherever these guys end up, they're in for a treat from some of the big boys.  Don't drop the soap. 

Honestly, I'm not much of a snorter myself.  I don't get it, I can't even handle pool water going up my nose, and people are snorting human/animal remains, crushed rocks, and who knows what other shit.  This is seriously what the US of fucking A has come to now?

I played a damn flag football game with a kid last year who snorted vicodin before the game because his "wrist hurt".  Are you fucking kidding me Bro?  It's a FLAG FOOTBALL GAME at SUNY Cortland.  You really proved yourself to be a leader out on the field, leading us to a 65-0 loss.  But you fought through the aching pain with the heart of a champion, the true American way, through drug abuse.  It's bad enough you can't use your mouth to take a prescription drug, you have to snort it Tony Montana style like that's impressive to everyone or something.  Way to go Bro, you're awesome.

BroFacts: Lyndon B. Johnson

Big Johnson. There's a bar in my area called "Big Johnson's, Johnson is also a term used for a dick in movies like Austin Powers.  So where did it originate?  Former United States President Lyndon B. Johnson was fond of showing it off in private meetings, proud of what was his.  He actually nicknamed his piece "Jumbo".  If there's one thing that LBJ accomplished during his time in office, it's giving the world a new nickname for a dick, the "Johnson".  Nobel Peace Prize worthy if I don't say so myself...

“In his recent biography of Lyndon Johnson, Flawed Giant, Robert Dallek writes that during a private conversation with some reporters who pressed him to explain why we were in Vietnam, Johnson lost his patience. According to Arthur Goldberg, LBJ unzipped his fly, drew out his substantial organ and declared, 'This is why!'"

Beast Mode Shakes Seattle

Seattle, the city that never sleeps.  Known for it's rain and earthquakes.  Many including ESPN's Colin Cowherd who is from the area are still anticipating "the big one."  There happens to be a Pacific Northwest Seismic Network monitoring station located conveniently in the heart of Seattle.

During the 67 yard run and display of how not to tackle, the station actually recorded seismic activity from the Seahawk's "12th Man", a blip on the graph.  In these clips Beast Mode treads to a touchdown that will go down in history as one of the best NFL Playoff runs of all time. 

This video is what the NFL is all about.  Everyone's drunk, everyone's pumped, and theres nothing better than seeing a long, powerful touchdown run in the NFL when you're drunk and pumped.  The 1st person commentary and view gave me goosebumps just thinking about the atmosphere, and what the upset win for the Seahawks means to the city of Seattle.  The fan, charliemac64 says it best, "Do we belong now? Who Dat? All that shit! Fuck you all! AHAHA!"  That's what I'm talkin about baby! Earthquakes and football, that's what Seattle does!

If the 'Hawks make it past the Bears this week, which is probably the best head-to-head matchup of the remaining teams in the playoffs for the Seahawks, the the opposition is going to have a hell of a time at Qwest Field in the NFC Championship game dealing with the 12th man that you see in the video firsthand.  Seattle better prepare for another quake if they overcome Chicago this week.

Lamb Rover

MSNBC PhotoBlog -What the hell do we have going on here Cuba?  If this was the deep south I could see that this guy is maybe rushing his wife to the hospital, the lamb does look kind of prego.  Plus I don't know whats going on with the little erotic ear nibble, it's all good i suppose.  But on the other hand I have a feeling Cubans aren't as messed up as some rednecks, so they probably haven't had sex.  I'm dumbfounded on this one.  Plus, she's not even wearing a helmet.  Safety first Bro.

Are You Kidding Me Bro?

 

BEIJING (Reuters) – Torrential icy rain across five provinces in southern China has forced 58,000 people to evacuate from their damaged homes, causing economic losses of $203.8 million, the ministry of civil affairs said on Wednesday.

Freezing rain has pummeled the provinces of Jiangxi, Hunan, Chongqing, Sichuan and Guizhou in the past few days, killing one person and causing more than 1,200 houses to collapse, the ministry added.

The harsh weather in southern China, where winter is usually relatively mild, has damaged 142,400 hectares of crops in the provinces that produce rice, timber and coal and caused economic losses of 1.35 billion yuan ($203.8 million) as of Tuesday, the ministry added.

In southwestern Guizhou province, 22,800 people were forced to evacuate from their homes on Tuesday, state news agency Xinhua reported.

The icy weather and sleet have paralyzed traffic and strained power networks in some areas ahead of the vast migrations of people for the Lunar New Year holiday next month. Highways in Guizhou have been clogged in the past few days, leaving thousands stranded in their cars as almost all expressways in the province were closed, said the Guizhou Provincial Department of Transport.

On Tuesday, traffic slowly returned to normal in Guizhou as all ice-covered highways reopened after being closed for over 30 hours. Guizhou's provincial weather forecaster warned that it could take five more days for the cold and rainy weather to subside.

In early 2008, freezing weather across southern China caused power cuts and transport chaos, preventing many residents from spending the Lunar New Year with their families. The disruption rippled across the region, causing a brief spike in food prices.

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 The big deal with this here is that China is basically better than us in everything.  We're good at drinking, they're good at having babies, making nukes, and doing math.  We have baseball, they have Ninja Warrior.  We all know which is more fun to watch.

But you know what? At least we can build goddamn houses.  Seriously, maybe its about time I take a trip out East to check out these "homes".  Are they made of mud and popsicle sticks?  58,000 people were forced to evacuate from their homes.  Maybe they aren't as prepared for the winters like we are, understandable, but come the fuck on, its freezing rain.  I guess the reasonable explanation is that they were made in China.

I like how this writer needs to add that a grand total of 1 person was killed this entire time, oh, how horrific.  I'd say out of evacuating 58,000 people, 1 person dead is no biggie.

Theres video of people salting highways by hand.  I say good luck to you sirs, you're absolutely fucked.  Oh and have fun heating up your railways up by hand too, that's a guaranteed fix.  Next you should try dumping water on everything, watch it melt, then move on.  There's no way it refreezes.

Looks like you might have to give your good 'ol friends in the US of A a call.  Upstate New York can chip in the salt and trucks, then how about we call the $1 trillion we owe you even.  May the force be with you Bros, you're going to need it.