The Top 10 Classic Seinfeld Scenes

With so many classic scenes to choose from, it wasn't easy, and I needed some help.  But without further hesitation, here are the top 10 Seinfeld scenes of all time.  It's a Festivus miracle!

1.)           The Contest - Who is master of his (and her) domain?

2.)           Soup Nazi - No soup for you!!!

3.)           The Junior Mint - "They’re very refreshing!"

4.)           The Hamptons - Shrinkage, need I say more?

5.)           The Marine Biologist - George finds himself caught in a lie, on top of a whale. The self-proclaimed Marine Biologist saves the whale from a Titleist.

6.)           Muffin Tops - “Top of the Muffin to You!” Everyone, even the homeless shelter, is offended by the offering of muffin stumps. Alongside a glass of milk, Newman is the hero.

7.)           The Alternate Side - “These Pretzels, are making me thirsty!”

8.)           The Bro - A BroCave classic! “A Bra is for ladies, meet ‘The Bro’.”

9.)           The Face Painter - Puddy paints his face in support for the New Jersey Devils. “El Diablo!”

10.)     The Jimmy - Famous musician Mel Tormé dedicates his standby song When You're Smiling, to a joyous slurring Kramer at a benefit for the Able Mentally Challenged Adults (AMCA).

Geoff is a Pretty Cool Name

I refuse to be friends with someone named "Geoff", ever.  Instead of spelling it the easy way, this is the guy that will force everything to be way harder than it really is for his entire like, like having the name Geoff instead of Jeff.  Name one cool Geoff you know, you can't.  It kind of makes me mad just looking at it.  Geoff.  WTF is that?  No good, sorry Bro.

Church Finally Realizes How Uncool Church Has Been for 876325 years

MSN - OLD HICKORY, Tenn. - An Old Hickory church is offering a drive-thru Good Friday service until midnight.    

North Point Community Church is set up inside a former bank building on Donelson Avenue. From midnight Thursday to midnight Friday, people can drive up to the building to drop a burden or sin at the first window. Then they can pull up to the second window and receive a blessing.

Church members said they hope this will be a bright spot in someone's busy day.

"We want people to know we care because we know Jesus," said church member Lee Fesler.

The church hopes to offer the service each year.

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Even the most hardcore Jesus freaks know the feeling of waking up at 8:00 AM hungover, to get dressed up and go to church.  Like many people I know, my perfect Sunday consists of waking up at roughly 11:00 AM, showering if I feel ambitious, eating a big breakfast, and watching football until about 11:30 PM. 

 

See, there is no way I plan on changing that routine.  However, I probably should go to church more often, it has been years since my last time.  The choice in the past has always come down to early mornings rushing to get stuck in a room smelling of on-the-brink nursing home inhabitants and cheap perfume, OR waking up after church would be done in no hurry to do anything the remainder of the day.  But now comes a new innovation from the good people of Old Hickory, Tennessee.

 

This is huge.  I do not want to go to Church and pretend to sing songs that I pretend to want to sing (Somehow that makes sense).  I'd imagine that most people my age don't.  It's a lot of work to put on a show like that.  Sign me up for the church drive-thru windows.  They provide a nice time slot in the week, during the day, that I and others that know they SHOULD go to church, might be sober.  Perfect.  Now maybe they'll cash checks too?
 

Looks Like You've Got a Little Shrimp in Your Pants

MSN - DOVER, Pa. - A central Pennsylvania man faces robbery and assault charges after he allegedly stuffed a bag of frozen shrimp down his pants and attacked a grocery store security guard.

Northern York County Regional Police say 37-year-old Brian McDaniel was spotted hiding the shrimp in his pants and struck a security guard who tried to stop him inside a grocery store Thursday in Dover Township. The guard sustained minor injuries.

McDaniel was caught in the store's parking lot by the security guard and a bystander. He is being held on $10,000 bail.  It was not immediately clear if McDaniel had an attorney.

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Word.  So I guess this is just a typical day in central Pennsylvania right?  No big deal, just throwing some cold crustaceans in my crotch so I can eat them later, can't think of anything better to do in PA.  It goes to show that you can't run too far with a frostbit shrimp, and maybe a better planned prawn stealing scheme would be a good idea next time.  Leave frozen foods out of pants, check.

The Drugs Win Again

We know that feeling, maybe you can't move, maybe you pass out like my roommate did mid-walk, drugs put up a killer fight.  Unfortunately, the sad outweighs the sexy in this situation.  As much of this chick's great ass that we see, it doesn't compensate for her insanity.  Bet she's an animal in the sack though.  Kids with their E these days...

P.S. - I love how casual everyone at the public pool is acting.  No big deal, some bitch flopping like a dying tuna.  Gotta love the Euros.

Stay on the Lookout Bros

Alright, so there's some sticky situations you can encounter when you're looking for a prize to take back to your apartment, home, or dorm.  Some can be cancelled out by getting wasted, others not so much, here's a list of lessons to look out for next time you're on the prowl...


1) Blame the Booze - The all too common beer goggles.  Some nights I honestly still have nightmares about this situation.  After I got a good buzz on, I made a trip with a few of the guys, and quite possibly the widest girl at Cortland, to get some high quality drunk food.  Seriously, it may not have been her first trip to D.P. Dough that night.  Of course we went through the hookup and all that bullshit, blah, blah, blah (I literally almost shed tears of shame 2 days ago thinking about it). 

Luckily I wasn't drunk enough to take the wildebeest back to the room with me.  My boy Brian and I grabbed our calzones, and I started freaking out, I don't know if it was the fact that I was hungry for what was in my hand, or if it was because she wanted to eat my hand, i said Brian, "We gotta get the fuck out of here!"  Before that he had even tried to convince me NO, "She's a BEAST."  Thanks to him, we split, saving me harassment for the rest of my life.  Lesson learned, you gotta keep a Bro around for validation, especially if you're sporting the beer goggles.

2) Loose Shirts - Ladies, what the fuck kind of shit are you trying to pull here?  Are you really that desperate or is that blanket the only thing that would fit?  It's bad enough that you all try to negate your poor complexions with by befriending girls that you think are less attractive than you, but now you're wearing "stylish" puffy shirts.  AND, while we're on the topic of bitch clothing, let me tell you how great push-up bras are... until it's off and the tatas either drop to your toes, or there's absolutely nothing.  Even my tits could look good in a push-up bra.  Enough with the deceiving trends, you aren't as sneaky as you think, and Bros aren't as stupid as you think.  Lesson 2: Things aren't as pretty under the sheets as they might seem.

3) Makeup/Bed Tanning - I consider this a given, that's why it's listed last.  Why is it that a chick thinks if they look like Otto the Orange, I will want to fuck them?  It doesn't look real, therefore neither do you.  Fake boobs are different because every Bro wants to mess around with those things at least once in his life.  Of course tan is attractive, orange is not, in no way is getting an orange hue to your skin worth giving yourself cancer.  Oh and I did notice all that powdery shit on my shoulder after you hugged me, not fooling anyone, not sexy.  Fuck sparkles by the way, shit gets everywhere, impossible to get off.  Final lesson learned, fake is fuckable, but not preferred.

Trust me, I've been in all of these situations, and it ain't pretty.  You can thank me later.

How Can This Not Make You Want to Buy Jack Links?

Seriously, I don't even like jerky enough to waste my money on it , but these commercials make my day every time I see one, especially a new one.  Fuckin' Sasquatch, you dumb bastard.  Just beating the shit out of all the haters out there.  Hilarious.  Keep up the good work Bro.

Vince Wilfork Taking us Out of the Shitter and Into the Divisional Round of the Playoffs

Why is Vince leading the way?  Because he and the New England Patriots are going to take a giant shit on the Jets.  I don't even like Wilfork, he's an asshole on the field, but you gotta give credit where credit is due.  It ain't no walk in the park for a 325 pounder to take a shit in a porta-potty while fully padded.  Fuck Fireman Ed, Rex "Feet" Ryan, and Antonio Cromartie with all 47 of his kids.  Your welcome Handy House for the free publicity.  Enjoy the longest fucking blog post of all time, here's the picks...

Saturday, January 15

     Vs.    

  Baltimore Ravens               Pittsburgh Steelers

If it weren't for the Jets-Patriots hype, this game would absolutely be getting more attention than it is.  The line has the Ravens getting 3 points on the road.  These inner-division rivals will be meeting each other for the third time after splitting the regular season series in two tight, low-scoring games. 

Rumor has it that Ray Rice is has been ill all of Friday, spending more time vomiting than studying.  When you're facing a defense as strong as the Steelers, you'll need all the time you can get to study them.  For this reason Ray Rice is the determining factor of the game.  Don't get me wrong, Flacco has been a good solid quarterback all year, but good doesn't cut it versus the Steelers defense, especially without your star running back. 

I have a feeling Rice will be over the sickness by Saturday morning, but that missed study time is key.  You can probably say that the Steelers D and Ravens revitalized defense cancel each other out.  But, Joe Flacco and an unprepared Ray Rice don't matchup favorably against Big Ben Rapelisberger and a fully prepared Rashard Mendenhall.  The Black & Yellow take this one and cover the spread at home.  Steelers win 21-13.

Pittsburgh Steelers -3

     Vs.    

Green Bay Packers               Atlanta Falcons      

Atlanta is favored by 3 in this game.  All the talk about this game has been Aaron Rodgers against Matt Ryan, and James Starks of UB.  It's more than that.  Honestly all of this year I haven't given two shits about whats going on in the NFC because when it's all said and done, the champ will be from the AFC. 

However, that won't keep me from making my pick.  I give Aaron Rodgers a slight edge on Matt Ryan as an overall quarterback.  Rodgers is packin' heat with weapons like Greg Jennings, old man Donald Driver, and James Starks.  Matty Ice has Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez, and Michael Turner.  Like the first game Saturday, the running back is the difference maker.  Congratulations to James Starks on an outstanding NFL playoff game, but you are unproven and certainly not Michael Turner.  The Burner's ability to run through the Packer's solid defense will be the deciding factor in whether the Falcons can squeeze past the Cheeseheads.

Based on the Falcons numbers at home (20-2), you've gotta stick with them as the pick to win in the dome.  But with the Cheeseheads having a slightly better quarterback, and a much better star-studded defense, it'll be extremely close.  If the Falcons win, it will be by less than 3, but they can very easy lose.  Mason Crosby kicking in a dome on the last drive is pretty attractive if you're a Packer fan.  Either the Falcons win 21-20, or the Pack take their talents to the NFC Championship game with a 23-21 win.

Green Bay Packers +3

Sunday, January 16

     Vs.    

Seattle Seahawks               Chicago Bears     

Good Fucking story.  Great story.  ESPN loved talking about the team that shouldn't have been in the playoffs winning their playoff game against the defending champion New Orleans Saints last week.  The win failed to install any confidence in critics though, as the Seahawks are 10 point underdogs this week at Chicago. 

Way back in week 6, the Seahawks edged out a victory over the Bears in Chicago 23-20.  Of course the weather in mid-October is a lot more attractive than it is mid-January, when it counts.  Hasselbeck didn't thrown 4 touchdowns in 20 degree weather on the road.  Let's face it, even though Marshawn Lynch's run was spectacular, Seattle won last week because of Matt Hasselbeck throwing 4 touchdowns at home against a sub-par Saints defense.  This season Hasselbeck didn't throw for more than 2 touchdowns in any games, and threw 2 touchdowns in only 3 games in the regular season.  Basically there's no way that Hasselbeck repeats his 4 touchdown performance against one of the best defenses in the league.  Realistically I'd say he has a better chance of throwing more interceptions than touchdowns, than throwing 2 or more touchdowns.

The Bears D and Saints defense are night and day.  The rested Bears have been waiting for two weeks to step back on the field for some live game action, and now the NFC's 2 seed has their chance at redemption from the regular season.  Everything's working against the 'Hawks; no 12th man, inclimate weather, and poor defense versus a great defense.  Cutler's inconsistency at times makes him look like he should be working at a gas station, other times he's playing like a Pro Bowl starter, but his inconsistency won't cost the Bears the game, it will only keep it close, less than 10 points.  Bears win 27-20 but fail to cover the spread.

Seattle Seahawks -10

     Vs.    

             New York Jets               New England Patriots   

The Jets have definitely caught the Pats' attention judging by Wes Welker's press conference that sticks the foot back in Rex Ryan's mouth (I had to) in the more suttle fashion possible.  The guy seriously deserves an award for the acting, I would've been cracking up all over the podium.  Notice that the flamboyant Jets Coach hasn't said a word since Welker put his "best foot forward" at his press conference. 

The Vegas line has the Jets as a 9 point underdog.  Yes, The Patriots did completely obliterate them the last time they took the field, but that isn't something that happens more than once in one season, especially between two playoff teams.  Keep in mind that this will be the third meeting between the two teams just this year, so they know each other's personnel and packages well.  Like last week, I expect Rex to implement a run-happy game plan to keep Tom Brady off the field as much as possible, if it turns into a high scoring affair, New York has no chance.

Belichick is one of the best NFL coaches of all time, Rex Ryan hasn't won or proved shit besides the fact that he loves feet.  Although the Jets offense is much is all around more efficient than last year, it doesn't match an offense ran by Tom Brady.  The Jets have the better defense of the two teams, but Belichick, being a defensive minded coach, won't let his players slouch in a game of this importance.  The New England Patriots will earn the win and advance to the AFC Championship game, barely covering the spread.  The Darkside prevails, Pats win 24-14.

New England Patriots -9

Don't blame me if you lose your fuckin' bets, I'm probably wrong as much as you are.  Good luck this weekend Assholes. 

Debut of the Hoodie Blazer

 

The Big Shamrock himself whips out a new style on late night TV.  I'd jump on the Hoodie-Blazer bandwagon solely because Big Shaq Diesel is backing it.  I'm roaming eBay as we speak. What do you think Bros?

Say Goodbye to the Beard

Hamburg, NY - Until early afternoon today, it was just another day that Bills fans could celebrate the false hope of what the third overall pick in 2011's NFL draft would bring them.  Quarterback of the Buffalo Bills Ryan Fitzpatrick, formerly known as the "Amish Rifle", did his part to make the typical Bills fan's day just a bit more disappointing.  As the season progressed, the beard was honestly one of the only things I had to look forward to seeing when I watched a Bills game, and now it's gone.  "I'm fighting the tears right now," said Fitzpatrick sarcastically.  Fitzpatrick was forced to keep them beard the entire season by teammates after he initially only grew it out because he was lazy.  He came out nearly unrecognizable bearing a name tag saying "Hello, My Name is Ryan Fitzpatrick."  Come on Bro, you're better than that.  Now you just look like a 12-year-old boy.

I'm Glad I Don't Know Her

Papa Fuckin Johns right?  This just goes to show you how impatient we Americans are.  This college student is so impatient she gets into a verbal battle with the cooks of a fast food pizza restaurant.  After waiting for ten excruciating minutes, the customer let's the cooks know what's on her mind.  I guess she must have been having a rough day.  After screaming at the cooks she decides it would be okay to throw her drink at a bro in line for his own pie.  As you would imagine, he didn't appreciate that.  The two start mouthing off at each other, the rhino charges back with a head of steam at the bro and like all tough bros do in a fight, they curse and have their other bros hold them back before they do anything they'll regret in jail the next morning.  The best part of the clip has to be some chick in the back obnoxiously laughing during the entire altercation.  Like the title says, "I'm glad I don't know her."

The Sexting Silver Fox Strikes Again

 

RotoWorld - Despite Joe Webb's impressive game Tuesday night, interim coach Leslie Frazier is sticking with Brett Favre in the season finale if the veteran passes his concussion test.  After Tuesday night's game, it's fair to question whether Favre gives the Vikes a better chance to win. It would be nice to see Webb with a chance to build on his performance, though we can understand wanting to give Favre one more chance for a memorable moment in the last game of his career.
 

 

 

 After watching "Tuesday Night Football", the only thing I can say to this is "Are you fucking kidding me?!?"  Joe Webb, some Bro drafted to be a receiver steps in and plays quarterback, defeating the potential Super Bowl bound Philadelphia Eagles in his first start. 

I'm sorry, is the pussy known as Brad Childress still coaching the Vikes?  Besides that, time is running out to suspend Brett for the sexting festivities that Favre partook in, otherwise Jenn Sterger plans to sue the dick sexter.  I feel a lawsuit coming on.  Maybe Brett is in the middle of a conspiracy, and is telling Interim Head Coach Leslie Frazier that he can play, hoping there's a chance he gets suspended so he doesn't have to take his sexting to court.  But who wants to end a career like that?

I suppose you could argue that Brett wants that last memorable moment in the NFL, but he's had that moment at the end of each of the past 3 years.  But what if you don't give him that moment for what he yet again hints will be his final year in the NFL?  He isn't going to be inducted into the Hall of Fame as a Viking, everyone knows that, so what would Minnesota have to gain from the move?  Give the kid a chance Brett, your time is long beyond over, no one wants to see you literally die on the field.  A lot of people hate you, but it's actually becoming sad that you really can't let go. 

There have been a few of those near-death moments just this year alone.  Brett, remember when you were sleeping like a baby in a trainer's arms when you were carted off the field? Or how about when no name fill-in Arthur Moats leveled your shit in Buffalo?  Did that make you feel good?  That's the legacy that you're leaving behind you.  Not the gunslinger legacy that you're fighting through pain for your team to win the game, but that you're continually fighting every instinct and easily identifiable reason to stop playing football because of your mental instabilities you have associated with football, your obsession.  Get a hint Brett, stick to the Wrangler commercials, and stay away from the messaging plans at Verizon Wireless.

A Christmas Story or The Celtics?

 

Every year my family has Christmas at my Grandparent's house.  Usually before and after we eat, there will be a bit of a scrum for power over the television.  I understand that it is Christmas, I can respect that, but "A Christmas Story" may be the most over-played movie every year even though its only played during one week each year.  It's a classic, yes, but we've all seen it... "I want a BB gun", "no", "his tongue is stuck to a pole", "we have a flat tire", "FUCK", "wash his mouth out with soap", "I want a BB gun", "I got a BB gun", "I shot my eye out", "the meal is burnt", "let's go eat chinese".  Yep, there you go.  Plus, who wouldn't rather watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation over "A Christmas Story"?  Chevy Chase is watchable year round, not just Christmas. 

Now, my Boston Celtics are on a 14 games winning streak, looking for 15 against the in-conference rival Orlando Magic.  This is certainly a game I can watch the highlights for on SportsCenter, but that's not acceptable.  You could've watched "A Christmas Story" all week, and if you didn't that's too bad.  You can't always get what you want, unless you take it for yourself.  Those remotes have Brobama written all over them.  Don't be afraid to take control Bros, take back what is yours, the television.

The Next Michael Oher?

 

Is Sandra Bullock living her in film life of "The Blind Side" in real life?  This is her and adopted son Louis Bardot (Mini Michael Oher).  Remember this though mini Mike...

"Michael Oher listen to me, all right? I want you to enjoy yourself but if you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock I will crawl in the car, drive up here to Oxford and I will cut off your penis."

Leigh Anne Tuohy

Happy Festivus Bros!

 

Today, December 23, is a very special day. It is in fact a Festivus for the rest of us, as Frank Costanza would say.  Any true Seinfeld fan knows exactly what I'm talking about.  If you don't like Seinfeld, try it out, the "Soup Nazi" is another classic.  Happy Festivus. Gather around the Festivus pole, eat dinner at 7:30, Airing of Grievances right after, and the Feats of Strength 9 PM. Do ittt.

Nice Suspenders Bro

 

You gotta give this old guy some credit for trying to get out of the house and do something productive with his time, admirable.  But what was he thinking when he left his home to work up a sweat at the gym? "It may cause me 3rd degree chaffage wearing these jeans, but at least my jeans will stay up"?  Who wants to be hospitalized for chaffage of the goods?  That's what elastic is for bro, one of the greatest inventions of all time.  Throw the sweats on baby, Nike won't be coming out with any Dri-Fit suspenders any time soon for you.  But, I guess it's better than seeing this bro walking around the gym in those tiny running dickshorts.  Anyone who has ever been to the gym and seen some twig walking around in these awkward things knows exactly what I'm talking about.  I definitely vote suspenders & jeans over dickshorts any day of the week, you've proved your point Wiseman.  Touche Sir.

Get Your Ass to Wegmans!

 

I live with downstater Bros at college, none of which have ever been to a Wegmans.  They hear me talk about how fresh, and how much better Wegmans is as a whole compared to any other grocery store.  "It's only a grocery store", they say.  False.  Wegmans represents the quality that everyone expects when they go to buy food.  Tonight I just finished a fresh sub that they'll make for you on the fly just like any other sub joint: Subway, Quiznos, etc, except 1000 times better.  Last night I cooked up some crab cakes that i watched an employee prepare, some fresh scallops, and ravioli, all a Wegmans product.  Now they even have 30 Rock's Bro Alec Baldwin as a spokesperson for Wegmans, who earlier this year was on The Late Show with David Letterman boasting about Wegmans.  Wegmans has managed to excel as a regional company.  Hopefully they can remain successful within the region because you will not find a fresher aura at a grocery store than you do when you make a  shopping getaway stop Wegmans.   Get to Weggy's and check it out, it'll blow your mind!
 

INSTANT CLASSIC!!!

 
If you have the world's greatest pleasure of being a Bills fan, than you often get to hear Gus Johnson most Sundays as he tries to make the games sound exciting.  If not, you probably don't hear Gus until March Madness rolls around in college basketball.  Either way I know its something that I'm not looking forward to hearing.  I don't know if its right to say it, but the guy may be the whitest black man on earth,  not to mention the fact that he looks like a turtle. And what the hell is with the attire in this pic?  Now he's just trying way too hard to represent.  Gangsta Gus, as far from a bro as they come, provides us with one of his latest contributions to the sports broadcasting world.  Props to the creator of this video.  Rise and Fire! 
 

The Work of a Genius

I don't know how the hell anyone thought of this, and I can't believe I would come across something this rediculous, but its freaking hilarious.  I was flipping through the channels here late tonight and leave it to TCM to catch my attention.  Dogs talking, crying, smoking, shooting guns, whatever you can think of.  If you're able to get your hands on this 16 minute movie by the next time you're baked, it might end up being one of you favorite movies to watch when you get the munchies.  Just take a peek at the clip...

Does Anybody Really Fucking Care About Soccer?

You might be thinking, "Oh shit, this guys in alot of pain, what happened?"  Nothing happened.  Yea the World Cup is pretty awesome to watch, all the fans of each country coming together to support their team and all, but is it a sport or all an act?  I'm sick and tired of seeing pussies, put a show on by faking ghost injuries on the ground.  There should be no reason for me to absolutely loathe watching soccer even though I played it my entire life, and loved to play it.

It's bad enough that the NBA has assholes like Pau Gasol (a huge soccer fan) flopping himself all over the place everytime he makes any contact.  That's annoying, but it doesn't completely halt the game.  I guess that's why the United States has it's own, way better version of football.

"If there is one thing in this world I cannot stand, it is fucking soccer, all right? And I hate when people do it around me!"

                                                                                                            -Kenny Powers