Saturday, January 15, 2011
How Can This Not Make You Want to Buy Jack Links?
Seriously, I don't even like jerky enough to waste my money on it , but these commercials make my day every time I see one, especially a new one. Fuckin' Sasquatch, you dumb bastard. Just beating the shit out of all the haters out there. Hilarious. Keep up the good work Bro.
Vince Wilfork Taking us Out of the Shitter and Into the Divisional Round of the Playoffs
Why is Vince leading the way? Because he and the New England Patriots are going to take a giant shit on the Jets. I don't even like Wilfork, he's an asshole on the field, but you gotta give credit where credit is due. It ain't no walk in the park for a 325 pounder to take a shit in a porta-potty while fully padded. Fuck Fireman Ed, Rex "Feet" Ryan, and Antonio Cromartie with all 47 of his kids. Your welcome Handy House for the free publicity. Enjoy the longest fucking blog post of all time, here's the picks...
Saturday, January 15
Vs. 
Baltimore Ravens Pittsburgh Steelers
If it weren't for the Jets-Patriots hype, this game would absolutely be getting more attention than it is. The line has the Ravens getting 3 points on the road. These inner-division rivals will be meeting each other for the third time after splitting the regular season series in two tight, low-scoring games.
Rumor has it that Ray Rice is has been ill all of Friday, spending more time vomiting than studying. When you're facing a defense as strong as the Steelers, you'll need all the time you can get to study them. For this reason Ray Rice is the determining factor of the game. Don't get me wrong, Flacco has been a good solid quarterback all year, but good doesn't cut it versus the Steelers defense, especially without your star running back.
I have a feeling Rice will be over the sickness by Saturday morning, but that missed study time is key. You can probably say that the Steelers D and Ravens revitalized defense cancel each other out. But, Joe Flacco and an unprepared Ray Rice don't matchup favorably against Big Ben Rapelisberger and a fully prepared Rashard Mendenhall. The Black & Yellow take this one and cover the spread at home. Steelers win 21-13.
Vs. 
Green Bay Packers Atlanta Falcons
Atlanta is favored by 3 in this game. All the talk about this game has been Aaron Rodgers against Matt Ryan, and James Starks of UB. It's more than that. Honestly all of this year I haven't given two shits about whats going on in the NFC because when it's all said and done, the champ will be from the AFC.
However, that won't keep me from making my pick. I give Aaron Rodgers a slight edge on Matt Ryan as an overall quarterback. Rodgers is packin' heat with weapons like Greg Jennings, old man Donald Driver, and James Starks. Matty Ice has Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez, and Michael Turner. Like the first game Saturday, the running back is the difference maker. Congratulations to James Starks on an outstanding NFL playoff game, but you are unproven and certainly not Michael Turner. The Burner's ability to run through the Packer's solid defense will be the deciding factor in whether the Falcons can squeeze past the Cheeseheads.
Based on the Falcons numbers at home (20-2), you've gotta stick with them as the pick to win in the dome. But with the Cheeseheads having a slightly better quarterback, and a much better star-studded defense, it'll be extremely close. If the Falcons win, it will be by less than 3, but they can very easy lose. Mason Crosby kicking in a dome on the last drive is pretty attractive if you're a Packer fan. Either the Falcons win 21-20, or the Pack take their talents to the NFC Championship game with a 23-21 win.
Sunday, January 16
Vs. 
Seattle Seahawks Chicago Bears
Good Fucking story. Great story. ESPN loved talking about the team that shouldn't have been in the playoffs winning their playoff game against the defending champion New Orleans Saints last week. The win failed to install any confidence in critics though, as the Seahawks are 10 point underdogs this week at Chicago.
Way back in week 6, the Seahawks edged out a victory over the Bears in Chicago 23-20. Of course the weather in mid-October is a lot more attractive than it is mid-January, when it counts. Hasselbeck didn't thrown 4 touchdowns in 20 degree weather on the road. Let's face it, even though Marshawn Lynch's run was spectacular, Seattle won last week because of Matt Hasselbeck throwing 4 touchdowns at home against a sub-par Saints defense. This season Hasselbeck didn't throw for more than 2 touchdowns in any games, and threw 2 touchdowns in only 3 games in the regular season. Basically there's no way that Hasselbeck repeats his 4 touchdown performance against one of the best defenses in the league. Realistically I'd say he has a better chance of throwing more interceptions than touchdowns, than throwing 2 or more touchdowns.
The Bears D and Saints defense are night and day. The rested Bears have been waiting for two weeks to step back on the field for some live game action, and now the NFC's 2 seed has their chance at redemption from the regular season. Everything's working against the 'Hawks; no 12th man, inclimate weather, and poor defense versus a great defense. Cutler's inconsistency at times makes him look like he should be working at a gas station, other times he's playing like a Pro Bowl starter, but his inconsistency won't cost the Bears the game, it will only keep it close, less than 10 points. Bears win 27-20 but fail to cover the spread.
Vs. 
New York Jets New England Patriots
The Jets have definitely caught the Pats' attention judging by Wes Welker's press conference that sticks the foot back in Rex Ryan's mouth (I had to) in the more suttle fashion possible. The guy seriously deserves an award for the acting, I would've been cracking up all over the podium. Notice that the flamboyant Jets Coach hasn't said a word since Welker put his "best foot forward" at his press conference.
The Vegas line has the Jets as a 9 point underdog. Yes, The Patriots did completely obliterate them the last time they took the field, but that isn't something that happens more than once in one season, especially between two playoff teams. Keep in mind that this will be the third meeting between the two teams just this year, so they know each other's personnel and packages well. Like last week, I expect Rex to implement a run-happy game plan to keep Tom Brady off the field as much as possible, if it turns into a high scoring affair, New York has no chance.
Belichick is one of the best NFL coaches of all time, Rex Ryan hasn't won or proved shit besides the fact that he loves feet. Although the Jets offense is much is all around more efficient than last year, it doesn't match an offense ran by Tom Brady. The Jets have the better defense of the two teams, but Belichick, being a defensive minded coach, won't let his players slouch in a game of this importance. The New England Patriots will earn the win and advance to the AFC Championship game, barely covering the spread. The Darkside prevails, Pats win 24-14.
Don't blame me if you lose your fuckin' bets, I'm probably wrong as much as you are. Good luck this weekend Assholes.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Bamboozle 2011? I'm In.
Is it just me, or does this look like the illest shit to do this spring if don't feel like spending 2 grand to go to Cancun? Lil Wayne, Motley Crue, Wiz Khalifa, Bruno Mars, Sam Adams, Nicki Minaj, Waka Flocka Flame, Chiddy Bang, Dashboard Confessional are some of the many current locks to perform, and the list keeps fuckin' growing. Upstate, we have Grassroots, I understand how much fun people have at it, how many drugs that are ready to be used there. But it can run you up to $110 if you buy at the gate, I've never been so I can't speak for how awesome it might be. But I know $109 to go to Bamboozle 2011, and bringing my own drugs of choice sure beats the hell out of the G-Roots "talent". I'm psyched, and ready to roll. In 2013 we're all going to be dead anyway, fuck it. Is anyone else ready to get wasted to Weezy performing "Wasted" live? Tickets on sale now.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Crash and Fuckin' Burn
So I'm getting a good pump on at the gym, that's what I'm there to do. I've been focused on it throughout break, and have gone every day for the past 2 weeks even though I have to drive 20 minutes to get to the gym. Things change when there's a CaveBro's dream babe is working out at the same time he is.
It was still a decent lift, but the multiple occurrences of eye fucking was pretty distracting. Some guys will say, "oh there's more man, don't worry", guys like my cousin who posted a threesome mid-way through his first semester at college and acted like it was nothing. Maybe there is more for him, whether 1 or 2 at a time, but for me, just an average Bro, not necessarily good or bad looking, shit like this doesn't ever happen.
Across the gym, while next to each other, and even when we're leaving at the same time, silence. An infinite amount of openings. What do I do? Nothing, I close everyone of those openings and shit down it's throat. She even drove the same car as me and I didn't give my plane the chance to take off before it crashed and burned. Pathetic. I told my friend the morning of New Year's day, when I was still hammered, that this year was about me "not giving a fuck". I'm not living up to the hype. So now I ask myself, where the fuck did all the confidence go? I don't know.
I do know that all that pussy shit is done. It's time to move forward, and move forward strong. The future begins on this day when the usually meaningless zodiac signs finally mean something to me. It's time to move forward not as a Gemini, but a Taurus, a raging fucking bull. It's go time.
Been Spending Most Our Lives Living in a Gangsta's Paradise
If this doesn't convince you to get off your ass to go to the movies, or at least take the time to download a pirated version, I don't know what will. I'm fuckin' psyched! Seriously, if this shit hit theatres 50 years ago, people's minds would explode. Awesome song, awesome actor (Seth Rogen), and somin' hot Cameron Diaz. In theatres Friday. Do it to it Bros.
Father of the Year
I wish my dad let me play with guns. This poor guy had one too many at an Iraqi wedding. As you saw in the video he started acting all tough and showing off his piece. I guess his kid was a little jealous he didn't have an toy of his own. Did you see how far that baby flew back after the gun went off!? Unfortunately, because of this gentleman's ignorance, he lost his life and he left his kid without a pops. This should be a warning to every Bro who wants to buy a gun. Be careful you idiots!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Bro Tunes: Demps Edition
You Gotta Love Hockey
Now there isn't much for Islanders fans to cheer about. I mean with a 13-21-7 record the only thing to cheer about are fights. My family got the tickets for free so we went to the game. The stadium was not crowded. I have never seen more away team fans in a stadium before. Granted NY is being hit with a blizzard but are you kidding me bro? Anyway, the fight starts out in the Islanders favor. The crowd is loving every second of it. It seems towards the end as if one of them is going to drop so the crowd gets even louder. All of a sudden, Glass throws a sweet right hook and connects. The crowd went crazy!
This is the first time I have ever heard a crowd cheer for the other team. Yes it was only a fight, but you know when your team is bad when you not only cheer for fights louder than goals but you cheer about a punch that landed from an opponent player.
Fights are why I started watching hockey again. Many people say that they should be banned. Fuck off!! Hockey is almost being outmatched by soccer in the U.S. Now I love soccer, but we all know that's bad. Fights keep the games interesting. I asked my girlfriend at the start of both of the games we went to what she thinks the final score will be and this is what she said, "I don't care I just hope we see a fight." I can't blame her. I love seeing goals, they're great, but fights are awesome!
All I am saying is I love fights and I love hockey. Check out the video of a crazy knock out punch by Vancouver's Tanner Glass. Don't forget to submit an answer on our poll.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
This Week in BroLinks - 1/11/2011
Guyisms - Time to tuck away the Franzia and Cosmos, and pick up some of Guyisms Top 10 Manliest Alcoholic Drinks. Not sure I'd make the leap to drink Cow Blood though...
Gawker.TV - If you live, visited, or know anything about upstate New York, or Pennsylvania, you'll know that the shit-dropping "Amish" live in the areas. Their first language is German, they refuse technology, but don't let their creativity dwindle... This seems like a good time for me to say fuck you to the Amish, always dropping their horses shit right in front of my driveway. Are you kiddin' me Bro?
Barstool NY - The write up about this little gadget just about hits the Dick on the head. I think I'm gonna save my money and leave the goods unlocked and free.
AOL News - I'm a boss at Graffiti Eraser. Never have enough time to get entwined in the game though...
Asylum - Yep, Agassi's back on the blow.
URLEsque - "Hey! Where did you get those clothes, at the toilet store?", "5'9, I didn't know they stacked shit that high!", "You're just a woman with a small brain, with a brain 1/3 the size of us. It's science."
Barstool Boston - You've gotta be kidding me. Superfat > Fireman Ed
COED Magazine - Chuck Norris Black and Blue Dream packs a kick when you pack your piece.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Beast Mode Shakes Seattle
Seattle, the city that never sleeps. Known for it's rain and earthquakes. Many including ESPN's Colin Cowherd who is from the area are still anticipating "the big one." There happens to be a Pacific Northwest Seismic Network monitoring station located conveniently in the heart of Seattle.
During the 67 yard run and display of how not to tackle, the station actually recorded seismic activity from the Seahawk's "12th Man", a blip on the graph. In these clips Beast Mode treads to a touchdown that will go down in history as one of the best NFL Playoff runs of all time.
This video is what the NFL is all about. Everyone's drunk, everyone's pumped, and theres nothing better than seeing a long, powerful touchdown run in the NFL when you're drunk and pumped. The 1st person commentary and view gave me goosebumps just thinking about the atmosphere, and what the upset win for the Seahawks means to the city of Seattle. The fan, charliemac64 says it best, "Do we belong now? Who Dat? All that shit! Fuck you all! AHAHA!" That's what I'm talkin about baby! Earthquakes and football, that's what Seattle does!
If the 'Hawks make it past the Bears this week, which is probably the best head-to-head matchup of the remaining teams in the playoffs for the Seahawks, the the opposition is going to have a hell of a time at Qwest Field in the NFC Championship game dealing with the 12th man that you see in the video firsthand. Seattle better prepare for another quake if they overcome Chicago this week.
If the 'Hawks make it past the Bears this week, which is probably the best head-to-head matchup of the remaining teams in the playoffs for the Seahawks, the the opposition is going to have a hell of a time at Qwest Field in the NFC Championship game dealing with the 12th man that you see in the video firsthand. Seattle better prepare for another quake if they overcome Chicago this week.
"Black Doug" Feelin' the Heat
I think its safe to say the Dougs won't be confused for one another again. I wonder if "White Doug" Justin Bartha has been involved in any shootings lately... Nope. But he is dating Ashley Olsen. You go Bro!
Who Needs the Giants in the Playoffs When You Can Watch them on Silent Library
I recently came across this episode of MTV's Silent Library. The object of the game is to complete insanely funny and stupid challenges without making any noise. If you do that then you win a certain amount of money.
In this episode, six members of the New York Giants played the game. Big boys Kevin Boss, Shaun O'Hara, Chris Snee, Rich Seubert, Dave Tollefson and David Diehl all participated. The first challenge was for Kevin Boss. He had to endure 30 seconds of some teethless old guy nibbling on his ear. Dave Tollefson had to drink blended fried calamari, spaghetti and sauce, tiramasu and red wine. David Diehl had to have a teammate fling a rubber wire onto his chest. These first three were unsuccessful. They would later go on to be given all the possible winnings you could earn in the show because they were playing for charity.
The funniest of all the events involved Shaun O'Hara. He had to pedal a bike and tennis balls would fall down into a pitching machine and fire at his head. I couldn't stop laughing. For thirty seconds the Giants offensive lineman is being pelted with these balls. As a fan of the Gmen, this is by far the funniest episode of this show for me.
Even though the show made me smile it still doesn't let me forget about the Giants meltdown in the last three weeks of the season. If you haven't seen this episode click the link and enjoy a funny episode of Silent Library. Let us know what you think.
A Solid BroCave Flick
Tonight I came across a tasty film that caught my eye. The name? Pirate Radio, a movie featuring many recognizable actors, most of them being British. When the film originally was released in the UK it was called The Boat That Rocked.
In movie is Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead actors Bill Nighy, and the always comical Nick Frost. It also includes Rhys Darby, who isn't quite a household name in the United States, but I recognized him as Jim Carrey's Boss from Yes Man. Philip Seymour Hoffman Rounds out the cast as the movie's main star member.
The film is based on a fictitious boat with a crew full of disc jockeys that lived, and worked on it. Unlicensed broadcasting in Britain hit a high during the 60s, the era in which the movie takes place. The crew illegally broadcasts rock and pop not played on BBC radio from an anchored position in the North Sea located off the coast of Britain.
Overall the movie provided a bunch of laughs, and turned out to be feel good story in the end. Although it failed in Box Offices across both the UK and USA, it's definitely BroCave worthy. Plus, ratings on IMDB give the picture 7.5/10 stars, clearly a watchable film, especially for a movie I didn't know existed until tonight. Maybe worth a buy, definitely worth a download, epic soundtrack Give it a look Bros.
Yankees Still in on Soriano, Waiting on Pettitte
Despite the Yankee GM Brian Cashman stating that the Bombers will not deal away they're 1st round pick for any free agent, the GM later stated that they Yanks are still in good standing with Rafael Soriano. Scott Boras, Soriano's agent, told reporters that the only team Soriano wants and will set up for is the New York Yankees. The Yankees don't seem to have much competition in the Soriano battle. The Angels who were thought to be in are almost 100% out of the running for the right-hander, the White Sox are now out and the Cardinals, the fourth running-mate, is now out as well. The wait for making an offer or deal to Soriano is basically due to whether or not Andy Pettitte re-signs.
Now as a Die-Hard Yankee fan I can tell you that I was more than bummed that after the good signings by the Red Sox, and that we didn't get Cliff Lee (Douche Bag). Besides re-signing Jeter and Mo, the Yanks really didn't get anyone. They're still waiting on Pettitte, who would be awesome to have back but is acting like hes ready for retirement. Why not go and get Soriano? It is better to have an okay or good pitching staff with an amazing bullpen than a OK staff and a OK bullpen, because that is what the Yanks have right now.
The Yankees have so much money to spend due to the fact that Lee didn't sign with them. Why wouldn't you go get Soriano? Our bullpen would be amazing! The Yanks would have Boone Logan and David Robertson to do the middle innings, then you can bring in Joba to do the 6th or 7th, there is also Feliciano who didn't give up a freaking HR in allof 2010, Rafael Soriano to do the 8th and the greatest closer of all-time to do the 9th. I mean Soriano led the league with 45 saves. He would be setting up Mariano Rivera! All I would say is Good Luck!
Now I am not trying to make it seem like this won't happen. Brian Cashman is a great GM and he knows what he is doing. I would just like to see some signs of life from the Yankees this Off-season because recently there has been no news from the Yanks. I hope we get Andy back but I respect his choice if he decides to retire. If he comes back for one more year I believe the Yankees will be in the World Series. The lineup is fine, I believe Burnett will have a bounce-back year and C.C. and Phil Hughes will do what they do best.
Let's see what the Yankees have up their sleeves. They've gotta have something right? I can't wait until baseball starts again!
The BroCave Loses Some Good Bros
Forbes - AOL is sometimes criticized for not having a strategy, but that couldn’t be more unfair. Heck, they’ve got a new one practically every quarter!
The latest involves consolidation of the company’s many content sites into a more manageable configuration. Two, the men’s site Asylum and the women’s site Lemondrop, are disappearing. What used to be Lemondrop will be absorbed into AOL’s other women’s offerings, while Asylum, lacking any other men’s properties with which to integrate, is being shuttered outright. It will cease publishing at the end of the month, according to several insiders, with its staffers being reassigned within AOL.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Despite being named the internet's 18th best blog of 2010 by Regator, Asylum, a predecessor to The BroCave, will be closed by AOL, Asylum's financial backer. I any of you readers are looking to see some good stuff before the final day of it's existence, January 21, give Asylum a gander. Writer of the rankings mentions, "despite being a woman, I'll be the first one to swipe the Esquire when it comes in the mail and I cannot get enough of Asylum." She also goes on to say "Asylum covers sex, booze, pop culture, skateboarding animals, and everything else under the sun in a humorous, engaging way that (shhhhhhh) people of either gender will love." Asylum will truly be missed, good luck to the sophisticated writers and their future. HOWEVER, that means yet another virtual door has opened for The BroCave to step into. Keep on readin' on, CaveBros.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Blame Jim "Cleveland" Caldwell
Obviously I'm pretty fuckin' disgusted right now, and I'm not even a Colts fan. I'm not sure which situation is better, the Colts defeating the cocky Rex Ryan led Jets in the Wild Card round of the playoffs, or waiting until the Jets travel to New England to watch Tom Brady absolutely tear their defense apart AGAIN. The decision has been made for me by default, the Jets are headed to Foxboro to face their elimination.
As for Jim Caldwell, fire his ass. Quite simply put, he's a fucking idiot. Can anyone tell me what the logic was behind the last timeout? I'm trying to figure out what exactly it is that Caldwell brings to the table and how he compares to Tony Dungy besides the fact that they're both black Head Coaches in the NFL. The first time I've actually seen him talk was tonight when he politely asked the ref to "throw the flag."
1) The Colts defense is horrid, ugly. You can say the D played well tonight, but they really didn't, it helps when you're facing a sub-par offense. The Jets offense had two things tonight, a rushing attack and a wheel route ran by Braylon Edwards.
2) The Colts offense doesn't need but the slightest bit of coaching, Peyton Manning is the coach, and in the end, each play is determined by Peyton Manning at the line of scrimmage.
3) Caldwell is clearly a poor situational coach. This counts as the second loss fot the Colts this season that comes because Jim Caldwell called a terrible timeout. The first happened versus Jacksonville in week 4 when Josh Scobee hit a field goal as time expired.
In case you didn't watch the game, here's the situation...
There is 30 seconds left in the game, Colts are winning by 1, the Jets runs the ball to drain the clock, and to attempt the 49 yard field goal. It wasn't 4th down so they most likely would run the ball at least once more probably making the kick a 45-50 yarder. Instead of letting the clock drain and allowing the shaky field goal kicker Nick Folk (who was nearly cut earlier this season) to attempt the long kick from the Indianapolis 32, the Colts called a timeout, stopped the clock and allowing the young Mark Sanchez to get guidance from his coaches on the sideline.
Now, before the next play even happens, I'm sure anyone who knows anything about football is questioning this asshole on the Colts sideline. Whats with the timeout? You could even rewind and take a look at Peyton Manning's reaction as he asks out loud, "what? why?" Under no circumstance whatsoever should that timeout have been called. You've got to ask, WWTDD? What would Tony Dungy do? Nothing, the same thing every other Head Coach would do in the same situation, besides Caldwell.
Maybe, MAYBE, Folk still makes the field goal if the timeout isn't called. But as someone that used to kick footballs, i can tell you that 15-20 more yards in the length of the kick is an enormous difference. If me just saying that doesn't convince you, numbers don't lie. This season Nick Folk was 14-16, 87.5% for field goals between 30 and 39 yards longs. He was also 3-6, 50% for field goals between 40 and 49 yards long. Folks overall kicking percentage (76.9%) ranks 27th in the league among starting kickers. Plus, if the timeout wasn't burned, he would've had the option to try to "freeze" Nick Folk. Jim Caldwell helped the Jets take this one away from the Colts.
Rex Ryan, you're still a fat, loudmouth, arrogant asshole, which is why I hate everything you represent. Go eat a goddamn snack, or maybe your wife's foot. You'll have major foot-time after your loss to Tom Brady's Patriots next week, the same legend you've been taking personal shots at all week. Someone let me know when you reach his status and win three Super Bowls, let alone one. I'm waiting...
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