Does Funneling Two Four Lokos in 10 Seconds Get This Bro Laid?

Stupid.  I wouldn't be surprised if he landed in the hospital after this stunt.  On the other hand I know that I've referred to it before, but a friend of mine drank 2 Lokos (1400 calories) in about 30 minutes a few weeks ago.  This resulted in him not making it out to the bars that night of course.

Instead, he passed out laying in his own vomit in the basement of SUNY Cortland's dining hall, Neubig hall.  He was face down in the bathroom of the closed dining hall (that is oddly located in the basement), and woke up to darkness, in a strange place at 1:00 AM.  Pretty Loko shit if I do say so myself.

Basically, whether the Bro in this video was functioning 15 minutes later or not, he deserves to get laid for the story and the live recording of it.  I know people who can't even funnel a beer, which does sound ridiculous especially for college standards, but it's true.  This Bro possesses a one-of-a-kind skill, and he deserves some kind of an award.  Props Bro.

Thanks to Ben for the Tip.

This Week in BroLinks - 2/12/2011

College Humor - If I were a Bro...

Barstool U - One off the most disgusting things I've seen in a while. If you click on one link in this post, make it this one.  Hockey players are Bros, even if nobody watches the games.

Guyism - The title of the article pretty much sums it up. Useful information for Bros everywhere.

COED Magazine - New York Knick Landry Fields takes a shot at being a Modell's salesperson. A different approach than Danny Woodhead's, but still very funny.

Barstool NY - If you don't know who Brian Wilson is, you probably aren't an avid baseball follower. If you don't know who "The Machine" is, then you probably aren't an avid Brian Wilson follower. The Machine's identity has finally been revealed.

UPROXX - We've all been there, the Hangover at work. Here are a few tips to get you through the workday after a wild night.

FilmDrunk - Another X-Men, this time back to the beginning. Looks like it's going to be pretty badass.

This Week in BroLinks - 1/29/2011

COED Magazine - January 24th was Beer Can Appreciation day.  Here's a bunch of creative tributes to the
suds we all love.

BarstoolU - Probably anyone's favorite professor here at SUNY Cortland in the Sport Management department, until the news broke.  Apparently his efforts were good enough to get him onto BarstoolU's "Professor or Pedophile".  In the red polo, I present Dan DiPerno...

Guyism - Fucking Islanders.  Never have I been more scared to ride in a car than when I'm riding with a Long Islander.  Of course they'll obviously be the first to defend themselves here, but the truth is, as much as they deny it, is that Long Islanders/City-goers are 1000x more aggressive than people in the rest of the state of New York.  Social status was the cause of the entire debacle, big surprise.

COED Magazine - By an author from Ithaca College.  Like IC, Cortland, etc, it's vital to know how to get laid at a house party.  A practical and well written post.  5 rules to help a Bro out.

Deadspin - A number of stories about having sex in hot, shitty port-a-potties.  Would/could you do it?  Can anyone make it past the concealed reek of pure shit and sweat?  A tall task for any Bro.

BroBible - For your next trip to the Big Apple, here's some tips/random facts about the prostitutes.  A Bro in need is a friend indeed.

Barstool NY - Possibly the most publicity that the Lopez show has gotten to this point.  It's literally fucking terrible.  But Brian Wilson is a must-see character any time he makes a public appearance.  Crazy.

Bossip - Sexiest Bro alive? Not with a frowning stomach.

Screen Junkies - Think Sarah Palin is good jack-off material?  You and Tracy Morgan have something in common.  One of the biggest idiots that calls himself a "comedian" gives his input on "Tina Fey or Sarah Plain" on Inside the NBA on TNT.

Just in Time for the First Full Weekend Back

Santa Cruz Sentinel - How strange is the emerging world of medical-marijuana entrepreneurship?  Consider Clay Butler, who may soon be marketing a food product that he's never tasted, and that he would never buy. The product is called Canna Cola, and it's a soft drink that contains THC, the psychoactive ingredient in marijuana, aimed at medical marijuana dispensaries.

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About a week ago I questioned, why isn't there a pot drink?  People proceeded to explain to me how I can make one, but who really wants to go through all that shit?  No instructions needed anymore, big Clay, a straight shooter who only uses any drug like aspirin when he has a headache, has come through in the clutch.  It's supposed to taste good, having less of the marijuana taste than any other pot drinks, so why not give it a shot?  The drinks are expected to run between $10 and $15 per 12 ounce bottle.  Captain & Canna Cola for me this weekend, Sirs.
 

That's More Like it

If this video wasn't two years old, this would absolutely be a Bro of the Week nomination.  More than half the kids in college today haven't done a keg-stand in their life, and 83 year old Ethel is showing them how it's done.   She was hitting up kegs when they were still wooden.  She made kegs her bitch before America had all 50 states. This is just another example of the pussification of America.  Next time you're peer pressured to do a keg-stand, don't pussy out, if an 83 year old woman can do it, you can do it.  Sack up Bros.

Stay on the Lookout Bros

Alright, so there's some sticky situations you can encounter when you're looking for a prize to take back to your apartment, home, or dorm.  Some can be cancelled out by getting wasted, others not so much, here's a list of lessons to look out for next time you're on the prowl...


1) Blame the Booze - The all too common beer goggles.  Some nights I honestly still have nightmares about this situation.  After I got a good buzz on, I made a trip with a few of the guys, and quite possibly the widest girl at Cortland, to get some high quality drunk food.  Seriously, it may not have been her first trip to D.P. Dough that night.  Of course we went through the hookup and all that bullshit, blah, blah, blah (I literally almost shed tears of shame 2 days ago thinking about it). 

Luckily I wasn't drunk enough to take the wildebeest back to the room with me.  My boy Brian and I grabbed our calzones, and I started freaking out, I don't know if it was the fact that I was hungry for what was in my hand, or if it was because she wanted to eat my hand, i said Brian, "We gotta get the fuck out of here!"  Before that he had even tried to convince me NO, "She's a BEAST."  Thanks to him, we split, saving me harassment for the rest of my life.  Lesson learned, you gotta keep a Bro around for validation, especially if you're sporting the beer goggles.

2) Loose Shirts - Ladies, what the fuck kind of shit are you trying to pull here?  Are you really that desperate or is that blanket the only thing that would fit?  It's bad enough that you all try to negate your poor complexions with by befriending girls that you think are less attractive than you, but now you're wearing "stylish" puffy shirts.  AND, while we're on the topic of bitch clothing, let me tell you how great push-up bras are... until it's off and the tatas either drop to your toes, or there's absolutely nothing.  Even my tits could look good in a push-up bra.  Enough with the deceiving trends, you aren't as sneaky as you think, and Bros aren't as stupid as you think.  Lesson 2: Things aren't as pretty under the sheets as they might seem.

3) Makeup/Bed Tanning - I consider this a given, that's why it's listed last.  Why is it that a chick thinks if they look like Otto the Orange, I will want to fuck them?  It doesn't look real, therefore neither do you.  Fake boobs are different because every Bro wants to mess around with those things at least once in his life.  Of course tan is attractive, orange is not, in no way is getting an orange hue to your skin worth giving yourself cancer.  Oh and I did notice all that powdery shit on my shoulder after you hugged me, not fooling anyone, not sexy.  Fuck sparkles by the way, shit gets everywhere, impossible to get off.  Final lesson learned, fake is fuckable, but not preferred.

Trust me, I've been in all of these situations, and it ain't pretty.  You can thank me later.

The BroCave Loses Some Good Bros

Forbes - AOL is sometimes criticized for not having a strategy, but that couldn’t be more unfair. Heck, they’ve got a new one practically every quarter!

The latest involves consolidation of the company’s many content sites into a more manageable configuration. Two, the men’s site Asylum and the women’s site Lemondrop, are disappearing. What used to be Lemondrop will be absorbed into AOL’s other women’s offerings, while Asylum, lacking any other men’s properties with which to integrate, is being shuttered outright. It will cease publishing at the end of the month, according to several insiders, with its staffers being reassigned within AOL.

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Despite being named the internet's 18th best blog of 2010 by Regator, Asylum, a predecessor to The BroCave, will be closed by AOL, Asylum's financial backer.  I any of you readers are looking to see some good stuff before the final day of it's existence, January 21, give Asylum a gander.  Writer of the rankings mentions, "despite being a woman, I'll be the first one to swipe the Esquire when it comes in the mail and I cannot get enough of Asylum."  She also goes on to say "Asylum covers sex, booze, pop culture, skateboarding animals, and everything else under the sun in a humorous, engaging way that (shhhhhhh) people of either gender will love."  Asylum will truly be missed,  good luck to the sophisticated writers and their future.  HOWEVER, that means yet another virtual door has opened for The BroCave to step into.  Keep on readin' on, CaveBros.