This Week in BroLinks - 1/21/2011

It's time for another look into the most entertaining posts in the blogging world this week.  Here are your BroLinks of this week...

Screen Junkies - Beautiful.  Simply a masterpiece.

Deadspin - Hmmm, interesting.  Well if this doesn't explain to everyone why Sexy Rexy hasn't been talking shit this week, I don't know what does.  Maybe because he's trying to play head games with Tomlin and he's playing them right back?  But anyway, oh yea, not only is Roethlisberger a rapist, but Mark Sanchez is too!  "It's amazing what some good genes and a nice set of dimples can do for your rep." - Emma Carmichael

Guyism - In honor of one of my best friends, Brian.  Every one of these 7 signs that point to you officially being a stoner applies.  Congrats Bro.
 
Asylum - I can understand if you aren't a fan of Ghostbusters, there's obviously plenty of people that have no sense of humor, or would rather watch "Mean Girls", but that's not me.  Ghostbusters is the shit, and I can't wait for the 3rd movie.  I just don't love this movie I grew up with as much as these people...

COED Magazine - How fucking perfect is this?  Just 2 days ago I was reminded of a girl I know, part Arabic, who got a tat on her pack in Arabic.  Apparently she found out it said the wrong thing after it was done, I then of course proceeded to post "hahahahaha" on this girl's status.  She then proceeded to delete me as a friend, and after 2 years, I'm still deleted.  But, it had to be done, check out these zodiac tattoo fails.

Gawker - Way to suck Bro.

BarstoolU - Yes, that douchebag who posts non-stop music is very fucking annoying, but this game is genius.  Props to Stool for creating "Smokesmash".

The Chive - Insanity.  This is what I'm going for in my profile pic.  2 giant Domincans = 1 giant Cuban?

Hello, Newman!

KBIO2 - BELFAIR, Wash. -- He was hired to deliver the mail, but instead he hoarded, dumped and burned them.
Prosecutors said Richard Farrell's "extreme laziness" caused him to hoard thousands of pieces of mail, then set them ablaze or throw them out.Farrell pleaded guilty to delay or destruction of mail, and was sentenced Wednesday to three years on probation and 120 hours of community service.

Farrell, 45, began working for the U.S. Postal Service in 1991 as a contract mail delivery driver.

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... he was also caught in the middle of a get-rich scheme with his good friend Kramer,driving a USPS truck full of cans to Michigan to get 10 cents instead of only 5 cents per can/bottle in New York.

Are You Kidding Me Bro?

Fucking epic.  I've seen a ton of versions remaking the LeBron commercial, including the one that the city of Cleveland made in spite of BronBron which was sweet, but this blows it out of the fucking water.  The fact is that this has been on YouTube for only a little more than one day and has 170,000 views. 170,000 views = Genius.  It's a great look back on Brett's career and what to expect in the future.  Keep truckin' Brett, but keep the "Purple Helmet" under control Bro.

"Wanna see my Danny Woodhead? Thats not even a joke I just think he's a good player... like naming my penis after him."

Nazi Much?

EnGadget - Way back in September 2009, we reported on an omnipotent war blimp from Lockheed Martin, now it looks like a similar dirigible could be hovering 20,000 feet above Afghanistan by this fall. (It's not clear whether or not the two blimps are one and the same, but Lockheed's craft was slated for an Afghan debut in 2011.) As part of the $211 million Blue Devil initiative, the US Air Force plans to pack the bloated beast -- which sports seven times the carrying capacity of the Goodyear blimp -- with up to a dozen interchangeable sensors and a supercomputer for processing data. It will then hover for stints as long as a week, collecting, assessing, and relaying important surveillance data to ground troops in a matter of seconds. It's a tall order, but Air Force officials hope that an on-board wide-area airborne surveillance system (WAAS), which uses 96 cameras to generate nearly 275TB of data every hour, and a supercomputer hosting the equivalent of 2,000 single-core servers will fit the bill. The aircraft isn't complete quite yet, but barring unforeseen obstacles, like a run-in with a giant needle, it should be up in the air starting October 15th. For more on Blue Devil check out our links below.

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$14 Trillion dollar in debt, what does the great nation of the United States of America do?  We're building a zeppelin.  Is this going to be apart of Goodyear's expansion to the market in Afghanistan? We have satellites, different flying things, all kinds of shit, but instead we're throwing money into something that can be shot down by 1 person with an RPG in Afghanistan.  Or how about a sniper rifle that can be shot 5-7 miles.  No SAM system will protect the giant blimp at 20,000 feet from a gunshot.  Big, slow, and defenseless won't win anything, a better way to spend money might be trying to bring troops back home like was promised.  It's too risky to have so many important tasks rely on this one product.

"The aircraft isn't complete quite yet, but barring unforeseen obstacles, like a run-in with a giant needle, it should be up in the air starting October 15th."

Fuck Cats... Again

CNN - As the death toll from devastating flooding in Brazil continues to rise, a single picture drives home the sense of loss.Leao, a medium-sized brown mutt, lies next to the grave of her owner, Cristina Maria Cesario Santana, who died in the catastrophic landslides caused by heavy rain. This AFP/Getty picture was taken on Saturday, the second consecutive day that the dog refused to leave the woman's grave at the cemetery in Teresopolis, near Rio de Janiero.
Brazilians are bracing for more rain, fearing more landslides after waves of muddy water swallowed towns in the country's worst flood disaster on record.
At least 655 deaths were reported in a mountainous region of Rio de Janeiro state, northeast of the city of Rio.

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First of all I'm kinda pissed Barstool got to this before me since I was awake at 5 am this morning.  But this just goes to show exactly what I always preach, fuck cats.  An owner's dog will always be there to stand by their side, dead or alive.  Cats do shit like cough up hairballs and stab you with their claws, Dogs lay down by their owner's grave for two straight days, and counting.  And you know what, Stool hit the nail right on the head, when they said "this is why I like dogs more than people", loyalty bitches.  That's what it's all about Bros.  When you get a dog that will keep motherfuckers off you like mine, you'll know what I mean.  Hounds for life.

Snorting Death?



MSN — Miami — Burglars snorted the cremated remains of a man and two dogs in the mistaken belief that they had stolen illegal drugs, Florida sheriff's deputies said Wednesday.
               The ashes were taken from a woman's home in the central Florida town of Silver Springs Shores on Dec. 15. The thieves took an urn containing the ashes of her father and another container with the ashes of her two Great Danes, along with electronic equipment and jewelry, the Marion County Sheriff's Office said.
               Investigators learned what happened to the ashes after they arrested five teens in connection with another burglary attempt at a nearby home last week.
               "The suspects mistook the ashes for either cocaine or heroin. It was soon discovered that the suspects snorted some of the ashes believing they were snorting cocaine," the sheriff's report said.
               Once they realized their error, the suspects discussed returning the remaining ashes but threw them in a lake instead because they thought their fingerprints were on the containers, sheriff's spokesman Judge Cochran said.
               Police divers were trying to recover the ashes. The suspects were jailed on numerous charges of burglary and other crimes.

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Burglars at their best.  How fucked up did these dudes get off this?  Is there a difference in quality between human ashes and Great Dane ashes?  Amateurs... you've gotta taste it first to make sure.  Wherever these guys end up, they're in for a treat from some of the big boys.  Don't drop the soap. 

Honestly, I'm not much of a snorter myself.  I don't get it, I can't even handle pool water going up my nose, and people are snorting human/animal remains, crushed rocks, and who knows what other shit.  This is seriously what the US of fucking A has come to now?

I played a damn flag football game with a kid last year who snorted vicodin before the game because his "wrist hurt".  Are you fucking kidding me Bro?  It's a FLAG FOOTBALL GAME at SUNY Cortland.  You really proved yourself to be a leader out on the field, leading us to a 65-0 loss.  But you fought through the aching pain with the heart of a champion, the true American way, through drug abuse.  It's bad enough you can't use your mouth to take a prescription drug, you have to snort it Tony Montana style like that's impressive to everyone or something.  Way to go Bro, you're awesome.

BroFacts: Lyndon B. Johnson

Big Johnson. There's a bar in my area called "Big Johnson's, Johnson is also a term used for a dick in movies like Austin Powers.  So where did it originate?  Former United States President Lyndon B. Johnson was fond of showing it off in private meetings, proud of what was his.  He actually nicknamed his piece "Jumbo".  If there's one thing that LBJ accomplished during his time in office, it's giving the world a new nickname for a dick, the "Johnson".  Nobel Peace Prize worthy if I don't say so myself...

“In his recent biography of Lyndon Johnson, Flawed Giant, Robert Dallek writes that during a private conversation with some reporters who pressed him to explain why we were in Vietnam, Johnson lost his patience. According to Arthur Goldberg, LBJ unzipped his fly, drew out his substantial organ and declared, 'This is why!'"

Nice Hair Bro

TMZ - has obtained the mug shot of Denver Broncos running back Laurence Maroney -- who was arrested in St. Louis on weapons and drug charges late Monday night.  Maroney -- a star running back for the Denver Broncos -- was allegedly high on drugs while in possession of a firearm.  Maroney's rep insists he had a permit to carry the weapon -- and has since been released from jail.

The Broncos player was in the car with 5 other people, all smoking, 3 of which had firearms, 2 handguns and a rifle.  A rifle?  Obviously it was just a misunderstanding, and the boys were taking off on a big-game hinting trip in the middle of St. Louis right?  At least Patriot fans have something to smile about this week.

Bro Tunes: Andy Grammer Edition

So this really isn't a new artist for me, one of my good friends played it for me over a month ago, but figured he was worth sharing.  Meet Andy Grammer, whos lone hit song on iTunes is called "Keep Your Head Up".  It's kind of an inspiring song that's guaranteed to brighten your mood.  In addition, you'll be surprised to see that Rainn Wilson, star of The Office, was a component in the making of the music video.  I wasn't sure if I was a big fan of this song at first, but after listening a few more times it really stuck in my head, and now is near the top of my recently played songs on my iPod. 

Also, if you take the time to look into Grammer a little bit more you'll find he has an array of songs on Youtube such as "The Pocket".  His music is honest, catchy, and has a bit of a Maroon 5 feel to it.  "Keep Your Head Up" is just the first big release by Andy Grammer, and it wouldn't surprise me if he became a household name soon.  He's a bit more well known than the last featured Bro Tune, Demps, and a completely different genre. 

But, The BroCave is aiming for diversity.  If you missed last week's edition of Bro Tunes, make sure to check out Demps' new single on iTunes called "I Got It", and mixtape on DatPiff.   Keep you heads up, and enjoy the music Bros.

"They Can't Even Stop a Nosebleed!"

Bart Scott is a manimal.  Seriously hes fuckin' crazy.  Next time I'm in New York I feel that much more unsafe now.  Probably the most intense postgame interviews I've ever seen.  That's what happens when your team spends the entire post game jumping into the stands, bragging, and being as much of a dick as possible.  Whatever you do, give no credit to the Pats or anyone else.  It's not that people think that the Jets are not a good team, its the team's general asshole attitude towards everyone that has people rooting against them.  And everyone knows the Jets defense is much better than the Patriots defense, that's not even a fucking question.  The Pats defense was terrible all year.  Even though this is probably the most tense postgame interview I've ever seen, its a typical Jets, talk out of the ass scene.  Prepare for another week of shit talking.  Also, pretty sure Sal Paolantonio shit his pants right before he congratulated Scott.

Attention Jets Fans: Free Foot Fucks for Everyone!

The New York Jets win.  Obviously I've shared that I'm not a fan of these assholes, especially this fat fuck named Rex Ryan, but as much as it pains me to say this, you have to give credit where credit is due.  The Jets simply deserved to win that game.

First of all, another great year by the New England Patriots, not even the most pompus Jets fan can deny the 14-2 season a a good one.  But in the end when it matter, the Pats faltered.  Ii honestly don't think that the different defensive schemes confused Brady, I just think that he didn't come to play, and if anyone was confused, the receivers were.  For most of the game, the quarterback's throw to his receivers made it look like they were all out of sync.  The only excuse that I can think of is that the 2 week break from live football affected New England's play.  Who knows.

Everyone knew the Patriots defense was terrible going into this game, but I among other people thought they would step up.  To make matters worse for the Patriots, the Jets offense was superb.  Dirty Sanchez did everything that could be asked of him and more by not forcing throws, and locating passes where only his receiver's could catch them.  His 127.3 passer rating trumped Tom Brady's by 28.3 points, in 20 less throws than Brady.  The Jets Offense exposed all the defensive holes that the Patriots have to fill in the offseason as not only the passing game excelled, but also the 1-2 punch of LaDainian Tomlinson and Shonn Greene also added balance, totaling an average of 4.4 yards per carry between the two backs.

What won the Jets the though, was the defense.  After a let down regular season following last year's dominance on D, the Jets seem to have finally caught their stride when it counts.  In the last 2 games, the Jets defense has confused and disrupted the two best quarterbacks in the NFL.  If the two best quarterbacks in the league can't beat the Jets, who can?

The saying is "Defense wins Championships", maybe, just maybe the Jets can march through New York with the Super Bowl trophy.  Moving forward, the Jets face the Steelers next week, who they already beat earlier this year.  Though it is said that games are different in the postseason and anything can happen, the path does go through a very good Pittsburgh team.  Not to mention that of all 4 remaining teams, the Jets defense ranks behind the 3 others.  The Jets haven't won shit yet.  To think that all of this started at SUNY Cortland...

That's More Like it

If this video wasn't two years old, this would absolutely be a Bro of the Week nomination.  More than half the kids in college today haven't done a keg-stand in their life, and 83 year old Ethel is showing them how it's done.   She was hitting up kegs when they were still wooden.  She made kegs her bitch before America had all 50 states. This is just another example of the pussification of America.  Next time you're peer pressured to do a keg-stand, don't pussy out, if an 83 year old woman can do it, you can do it.  Sack up Bros.

The Head Games Continue...

Rotoworld - Fox Sports' Jay Glazer presented a video on Fox NFL Sunday that showed the Patriots appearing to setup a Sal Alosi type wall in their first meeting with the Jets this season.  The Jets claimed at the time of Alosi fiasco that the Patriots were guilty of the same crime, but did not have the video evidence to prove it. Glazer has now done that for them, but it's obviously too late for the NFL to reduce the $100,000 fine it imposed on New York last month. It's unclear what action, if any, the league will take on the Patriots.

Can the Jets please just lose so I can stop hearing all this shit, or are they going to specifically go out of their way to find some more things the Patriots did that are illegal? Another attempt to get in the Patriots heads right before the game?  I think so.  If you can't when with skill and smarts, I guess you have to resort to the mental game.  There's no way Alosi should've been fined 100 grand and fired, dude got screwed, it's not like he's a player that makes millions of dollars. 

The Jets organization gets an A for being a snitch through.   The concept of the "wall" was stolen from the Patriots because you weren't swift enough to think of it yourself, then you report the Pats as the reason that Alosi setup the wall and tripped a player.  Way to take responsibility.  Are the Jets really that jealous of the Patriots success that they had to rat them out.  Would the Jets have ratted the Patriots out if the Jets weren't caught in the act? The answer is no.  The Patriots tripped no one, Sal Alosi of the Jets did.  Just another reason to root against the Jets today.  Looks like the New York Post had the role of the Rats wrong on the back page.  Rexterminator?  Pretty fuckin' creative post...

Stay on the Lookout Bros

Alright, so there's some sticky situations you can encounter when you're looking for a prize to take back to your apartment, home, or dorm.  Some can be cancelled out by getting wasted, others not so much, here's a list of lessons to look out for next time you're on the prowl...


1) Blame the Booze - The all too common beer goggles.  Some nights I honestly still have nightmares about this situation.  After I got a good buzz on, I made a trip with a few of the guys, and quite possibly the widest girl at Cortland, to get some high quality drunk food.  Seriously, it may not have been her first trip to D.P. Dough that night.  Of course we went through the hookup and all that bullshit, blah, blah, blah (I literally almost shed tears of shame 2 days ago thinking about it). 

Luckily I wasn't drunk enough to take the wildebeest back to the room with me.  My boy Brian and I grabbed our calzones, and I started freaking out, I don't know if it was the fact that I was hungry for what was in my hand, or if it was because she wanted to eat my hand, i said Brian, "We gotta get the fuck out of here!"  Before that he had even tried to convince me NO, "She's a BEAST."  Thanks to him, we split, saving me harassment for the rest of my life.  Lesson learned, you gotta keep a Bro around for validation, especially if you're sporting the beer goggles.

2) Loose Shirts - Ladies, what the fuck kind of shit are you trying to pull here?  Are you really that desperate or is that blanket the only thing that would fit?  It's bad enough that you all try to negate your poor complexions with by befriending girls that you think are less attractive than you, but now you're wearing "stylish" puffy shirts.  AND, while we're on the topic of bitch clothing, let me tell you how great push-up bras are... until it's off and the tatas either drop to your toes, or there's absolutely nothing.  Even my tits could look good in a push-up bra.  Enough with the deceiving trends, you aren't as sneaky as you think, and Bros aren't as stupid as you think.  Lesson 2: Things aren't as pretty under the sheets as they might seem.

3) Makeup/Bed Tanning - I consider this a given, that's why it's listed last.  Why is it that a chick thinks if they look like Otto the Orange, I will want to fuck them?  It doesn't look real, therefore neither do you.  Fake boobs are different because every Bro wants to mess around with those things at least once in his life.  Of course tan is attractive, orange is not, in no way is getting an orange hue to your skin worth giving yourself cancer.  Oh and I did notice all that powdery shit on my shoulder after you hugged me, not fooling anyone, not sexy.  Fuck sparkles by the way, shit gets everywhere, impossible to get off.  Final lesson learned, fake is fuckable, but not preferred.

Trust me, I've been in all of these situations, and it ain't pretty.  You can thank me later.